Pop Quiz

You would think, as someone who spent a crazy amount of time in school, that I would be pretty comfortable with grades and report cards. Essay tests, even. But alas, I have test anxiety. Huge, martini inducing test anxiety. For it is review time at work, and I am terrified that they will finally figure out that I am a slack remote employee, and although I do finish things in a timely fashion, I am doing laundry at the same time. Or crafting. Or something else to procrastinate making out that project schedule.

In an effort to stave off my anxiety, and inspired by a motherhood questions posted by a girlfriend, I've made a list, instead, of all of the things I didn't know I'd need to know about being a mother.

1. If you are not a morning person, all of your children will be. And they will drag you, kicking and screaming, into your day by requesting pancakes before the sun is up. And their first read words will be "Diet Coke."

2. In order to procure the "best" school placements, brownie troops, and other assignments for your child, you will become a volunteer crack whore. Got 524 envelopes to stuff? Will it get my child into the best 4th grade class? Bring it on, paper cuts be damned.

3. You will not know who has the number 1 hit song, but you will know every single lyric to Laurie Berkner, long after your children do. (And you will forget you have no children in the car, and be singing it. Hopefully alone.)

4. You will be able to scientifically prove that laundry multiplies on its own, yet the socks disappear. You will also learn that purple and yellow plaid does indeed match orange and brown stripes. Particularly if it gets you to school on time.

5. Teddy Grahams are indeed a suitable breakfast food, particularly if it buys you 5 minutes of sleep. M&Ms will buy you 15 minutes, but you will pay later in sugar high.

6. You will learn 462 ways to prepare crow in order to make up for the pre-children "I'll never" statements you've made. Examples will likely include "I'll never allow my children to throw a public tantrum" and "I'll never send my child to day care with a fever."

7. You will learn to play day care or babysitter roulette, and know precise combinations of Motrin and drop-off times to get through a certain meeting or dinner date before they call you to come get the sick child.

8. You will learn that your children will cause spontaneous weeping as they tell you they love you, that you're the best mom (or the worst, depending on the day), that they are glad you know how sew/throw a curve ball/kiss the hurt away.

9. You will learn that the parts you thought would be hard (infancy, terrible twos) were easier than you thought, and that you are more afraid of the older child who can talk back. (And does.)

10. You will learn that you know nothing about anything, but have become a pretty good guesser.

After all of the panic over my work review, I sat through a love festival, once again (somehow) wowing my employer with what I felt were mediocre accomplishments. I can only hope that my life review is going as well.