Sound the alarm

As much as I like being alone, I would indeed like my family to have some friends - so say you're at a dinner party, the kids are getting along brilliantly, you even like both halves of the couple - pretty much the friendship trifecta, if you will.

What, then, is appropriate compensation for the dead classroom pet gerbil that you find after the children have been playing with them? And this, after you find your son running naked through the house while changing clothes? There was not a trap door large enough for me to escape through, let me assure you.

Dear heavens, we may never have friends in this place. At the very least, there will have to be a warning bulletin sent out before we arrive for dinner parties. "Hide your pets - the M family is coming to dinner." (And do we send our own signs with the RSVP, or let the hosts make their own?)

Honestly, a dead gerbil and a naked child in one evening. What are the odds?